This year has been interesting so far.

2012 started off pretty well. I did some soul searching and figured out that I wanted to become a librarian. I wouldn't quite call it my life's passion, but after working at a library as an aide (aka page), I realized I could see myself staying in that environment long-term. Here was a job that I could make into an enjoyable and fulfilling career. So I started doing research on grad school for a Master's in Library Science.

Then I read Lissa Rankin's book What's Up Down There? about women's health, which enlightened me in regards to how I should view my body and overall health. Her websites OwningPink.com and LissaRankin.com illustrate her innovative view of "whole health," which includes other aspects of life besides just physical well-being. She's also a champion of living life according to what she calls your "Inner Pilot Light," which basically means being true to yourself and listening to yeart heart and conscience.

My research on Lissa's ideas eventually led me to an inspiring TED talk by Brene Brown, which helped me more clearly form my outlook on life and people in general. I already believed in something close to what she said in the lecture, but my feelings on the subject were unfocused. Brene uses her extensive research on shame and vulnerability to posit that being vulnerable is the key to having healthy relationships with oneself and others, which, in turn, leads to contentment with life and prevents feelings of shame. Basically, she provided me with a clear outline of proof supporting my view of how the world works. I was so amazing that I bought both her book (which are excellent) and continue to gobble up everything she publishes.

In the midst of all that, however, was great tragedy. My Grandma Pat died on February 10th after fighting against numerous ailments that hit her back-to-back in a short stretch of time. We knew she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few months earlier, but what started the avalanche that buried her was a stupid little blood clot. It all happened too fast for me to write about while it was going on, and I still having trouble thinking about it now, five months later. In a way, though, I'm glad she didn't have to go through a long drawn-out process with chemotherapy and lingering discomfort. I do selfishly wish I had had more time with her, but she's no longer in pain and no longer has to feel anxious about impending treatment for terminal illness. I believe she is in a better place.

I definitely feel that I've grown a lot as an individual over the past few months. I've learned new things about myself and the world, I've come to terms with my outlook on life, and I feel closer to my family after spending so much time with them surrounding my grandma's illness. I've had some pretty rough times this year, but getting through them made me stronger. I feel like I have a purpose again, something to strive for, and even though I may need to dig a little deeper to find out whether librarianship is my true "calling," it's still something I care about deeply enough to pursue with vigor. This is where I'm at so far:

I don't feel a need to help kids learn directly, I aspire to help them want to learn. I guess that's why being a teacher doesn't really appeal to me but being a librarian does. A teacher has an obligation to try to impart knowledge on a specific subject, whether or not their students actually care to learn about it. A librarian has an obligation to aid someone who asks for knowledge, but if a person has no desire to learn about a certain topic, there is no obligation for the librarian to pursue the matter. A librarian's main goal is to make information available to everyone who wishes to learn it and to encourage learning across a broad spectrum. Teachers are like steering wheels and librarians are the road signs! The real trick is to inspire people, especially kids, to want to explore new ideas by making them fun, easy, and intriguing. Doing this for kids, especially, helps them grow into intelligent, confident, and inquisitive adults who continue to learn throughout their lives.

On Librarianship

The last couple months have been super busy! I worked a lot--that's not really a new thing, but I had other stuff going on so it seemed like more than usual. I did some traveling--visited Agatha in South Carolina in November, visited Colin in Lake Forest over New Year's (both very fun and relaxing vacations). And Kristine and I started the "Unofficial Library Movie Club," so I've been going to the theater more frequently.

I've also been thinking a lot about the future. The more I work at the library, the more I feel at home there, and I've been toying with the idea of going to grad school to get a master's in library science. Most libraries (including the local system) require a master's to be a full-fledged librarian, and I think that is something I would enjoy being. Even if I went to library school and decided I didn't want to work at a public library, there are lots of other options--school/specialty/private libraries, cataloguing, administration, public relations, etc. Also, I think I would enjoy studying it. My coworker Kristine is currently majoring in English at UCO and plans on doing library school--probably at OU. She once told me about a class she'd heard of called "Recommending Books." You give lots of oral "book reports" and learn how to cater to your audience's interests. That sounds like a blast!

One thing about librarianship that really appeals to me is that I would be able to help people learn without having to be their teacher. Librarians primarily teach people how to find what they're looking for, steer people in the right direction, help them help themselves. On aptitude tests I've taken in the past, "teacher" has always been among my results of "what you'd be good at," but while I greatly admire good teachers, I've never had the desire to be one. They have to deal with snotty kids, obnoxious parents, annoying bureaucracy, and trying to teach 30 very different kids the same thing at the same time in a way that they can all understand and keep them all interested is a HUGE challenge (100 kids for some college professors). Not exactly my cup of tea.

Also, I'm all about freedom of information. It's important to me, and being a librarian would allow me to advocate that ideal.

I still have a ton of research to do on library schools--how much it costs, what the curriculums are like, where the campuses are. I know that OU has a program, so that would probably be a good, easy, close resource to check out to get a feel for how it works.

...So that's where I'm starting my year--to study or not to study. Right after graduating from TU, the thought of more schooling was appalling to me, but now I'm ready to start working toward something again. I feel like I've been treading water for a year and a half and it's time to pick a direction and swim. One problem, though, is that I'm very attached to Colin, and he still has to figure out his future, as well. I don't really want to swim north if he's going west. I'd much rather us go the same direction! The ideal is that our favorite options happen to be in the same place, but that's probably unlikely. My main goal for this year is just to figure out which direction I want to go. I'll be ok if I don't start moving yet, but I need to at least pick a destination. I haven't had a concrete plan in a long time and it's been very uncomfortable.

Fresh start

It's definitely been a while since I've written on here. Partly, I was busy last fall working at Blunck's Photography. While I earned lots of money there, I'm glad to be gone from there. I had no life while I was there, and I didn't much like it, either.

Now I have a super awesome job at the OKC ZooFriends office with super awesome coworkers. I'm also working some hours at the Edmond Public library as a library page, which is very low key. I find sorting things cathartic.

Another change is my boyfriend Colin. We started dating in February, and we've had a great time so far. This summer, he's been in Chicago working for his dad, and that's been really hard 'cause we haven't been able to see each other. But I did go visit for a week earlier this month. That was a blast--museums, Six Flags, yummy pizza. I'll be glad when he comes back to Oklahoma in August, though, even if he is in Tulsa.

I checked this book out from the library called Keeping a Journal You Love with tips about keeping a journal without getting bored of it, which is usually what happens to me. :P So maybe this time I'll be better about posting more regularly. We'll see!